Band Jokes

Feel free to send any jokes in and I'll put them up (keep them clean mind!)

Definition of a bar line? A gathering of tuba players at a popular drinking establishment.

What do you do with a horn player that can’t play?

-Give him two sticks, put him in the back and call him a percussionist.

What do you do if he can’t do that?

-Take away one of the sticks, put him upfront and call him a conductor.

What is a gentleman?

Somebody who knows how to play the trombone but doesn’t.

What’s the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?

Vibrato, but you can minimise this difference by holding the chain saw very still.

What’s the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse.

I don’t know either.

How do you know a euphonium player is at your door?

She’s wearing a Pizza Hut hat.

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, ’well how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?’

‘Nah’ the first girl replied. ‘That dry, tight, tiny little pucker, it was no fun at all.’

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked ‘well how was his kissing?’

‘Ugh,’ the first girl exclaimed. ‘ Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh it was just gross!’

The next night she went out (she was nae choosy) with a French horn player and when she came back her (nosey) roommate (who doesn’t seem to go out) asked, ‘Well how was his kissing?’

‘Well,’ the first girl replied, ‘his kissing was so-so but i just loved the way he held me!’

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: Why was the musician arrested?
A: He was in treble

Two brass players walked out of a bar...

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

How does a soprano change a light bulb?
They just hold it in the socket and the whole world revolves around them.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

The jokes below are taken from http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/#trumpet

Trumpet Jokes

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?: I don't know either.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?: "Hi. I'm better than you."
How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?: The doorbell shrieks!
Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?: He's too sensitive.

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.

After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

Trombone Jokes

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?


How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?: The doorbell drags.
What is a gentleman?: Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?: A optimist.
What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?: The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?: Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?: His hat says "Domino's Pizza"
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?: "Year-At-A-Glance."
How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?: He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?: On or off.

Tuba Jokes

What's the range of a tuba?: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?: Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
How do you fix a broken tuba?: With a tuba glue.

These two tuba players walk past a bar...

Well, it could happen!

Irvine and Dreghorn Brass Band

Tuba Jokes