Jokes

Feel free to send any jokes in and we’ll put them up (keep them clean mind!)

Daft Things Adjudicators (and Others) Say
- as reported by various bandsmen from their experiences (http://www.ibew.org.uk/humour10.htm)

  • “So nearly a prize winning performance” – awarded 17th out of 22.
  • “Percussion messy and inaccurate” – the band had no percussion.
  • “This score says is my road map – it says garage and you are giving me filling station”
  • “We knew we had a winner after the first 30 bars” – 17minute testpiece at British Open.
  • “2nd trombone – if you are going to cue the baritone parts put your hand over the f……g bell.”
  • “Perfect intonation” – 8th out of 10 -Brighton 1991 I think
  • “If I adjudicated the same contest tommorow the results might be completely different” – lots of contests – I translate as “I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be listening for…”
  • “Bass drum sounds like a dead cow” - allegedly appeared at the L&SC Regionals one year.
  • I recall from our appearance at a national final: Judge A – “nice baritone”, Judge B – “back luck baritone”.
  • “Well gentlemen I don’t know this piece at all but I will no doubt get a feel for it as the day goes on.” – said while in the draw addressing the band representatives on what he was looking for at the contest.
  • “….bass drum sounds like a dead cow” allegedly appeared at the L&SC Regionals one year.
  • We got told once at a contest that our bass drum “sounded like a wardrobe door”. Our poor bass drum has never lived it down since.
  • A few years ago some comments published in The Bandsman included “Horns, Rotweiler” Is this good or bad ?
  • In an entertainment contest Band X was about to play the Theme from “Star Wars” and the compere preceeded this by saying :- “John Williams has written many of Hollywood’s great film themes over the last few years, notable Superman one, Superman eleven and Superman one hundred and eleven……”
  • “The interpretation of this own-choice-piece is surely not in the sense of the composer” – (The band was conducted by the composer).
  • I once played under a conductor who once interpreted “smorzando” as meaning “schmaltzy” and had us all playing with exaggerated vibrato!!
  • One of the ‘most feared’ adjudicators years ago was judging a lower grade band playing Brass Band Boogie and somewhere in the middle section the solo cornet player leaps into an ad lib solo to be greeted by the comment (on tape) from old fearful – “Well! I have no idea what you are doing cornet, but you are not playing what’s written. Perhaps you should have had a look at this solo before attempting it.”
  • I think the daftest thing said about our band was in the Area contest a couple of years ago, when the sop (me), had a low-ish solo. The adjudicator pulled me up because I sounded too much like a cornet!! What, was I supposed to play it on, the clarinet or something??
  • “If this piece of music was a sunday dinner, your performance is like a big mac and fries.” – Spoken at the British Open a couple of years ago.
  • The funniest remark I have ever heard of from an adjudicator was to award the top trombone player from a certain band a soloist prize. This was incredible as the player in question was so drunk he never even got off the coach, let alone made it to the stage.
  • What about the compere, who is a radio presenter in the Yorkshirearea, who anounced that “John Davis is going to conduct the massed bands in the Light Cavalry Overture by Von ‘Supp’”
  • [Adjudicator] “I enjoyed the band that played testpiece ‘L’ a lot, who were they?”
    [Me] “That was Band K”.
    [Adjudicator] “Yes, some lovely solo playing. Where were they placed ?”
    [Me] “I thought you would know !!”
    At that the adjudicator got slightly flustered and exited the building. (The band he was asking about were actually placed in the top three)
  • At the recent National Finals, where we did very well, one of the adjudicators made two comments about our bass trombonist, the first being: “Some one forgot to feed your bass trombonist before you let him out to play.” Later on in the piece the remark was: “the bass trombonist was very hungry maybe you should tie him up !!”
  • The best excuse I ever heard was made by our conductor: Someone asked if we could do a concert on a date two months later. “I’m sorry, I don’t think we can make that. I believe the band is booked to play on a funeral that day……” I suppose they were keeping the body in the freezer… [Stef Pillaert, Willebroek]
  • A remark from a judge at the Baltimore County, MD high school band adjudication… “Well, the band sounds great that’s all I have to say, but one more thing, Mr Conductor, you have a small hole in the seat of your pants, I noticed it when you conducted the faster movements.” [from Richard Sigwald]
  • “I couldn’t decide who the winner should be, so have given 1st prize to the band that have traveled the furthest.” – Adjudicator at the Kingswood, Bristol Open Contest, 1980s. [from Geoff Colmer]
  • In a full orchestra once the conductor yelled at the clarinets: “Blow like you’re constipated!!” [from Jillian]

Advantages of being an Eb Soprano Player (http://www.ibew.org.uk/humour27.htm)

Have you ever noticed how the soprano player is always located on the outside of the band, closest to the audience. This is good for many reasons:

  1. If there is a fire you can make it to the door in time instead of being toast like the BBbs.
  2. Nobody sits behind you honking in your ear.
  3. If the solo cornets get mouthy you can direct a chastening blast beyond the pain threshold.
  4. You can easily check out any cute babes/guys in the audience.
  5. If you are hitting a really good high C you can turn toward the audience slightly and let it rip.
  6. You can get out and to the parking lot after the concert faster.
  7. Lots of room to your right for mutes, water bottles, cornet stands and a little table for your beer.
  8. Being up front usually suits the soprano players ego.
  9. If necessary you can give a disapproving glance to anyone in the band without the MD noticing.
  10. If you have to go to the washroom bad you can get there first at the break.
  11. same as #10 but you get to the bar first.
  12. same as #10 but you get to the free food and coffee/tea first.
  13. It’s as far away as you can get from the Bass Trombone.

Definition of a bar line? A gathering of tuba players at a popular drinking establishment.

What do you do with a horn player that can’t play?

-Give him two sticks, put him in the back and call him a percussionist.

What do you do if he can’t do that?

-Take away one of the sticks, put him upfront and call him a conductor.

What is a gentleman?

Somebody who knows how to play the trombone but doesn’t.

What’s the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?

Vibrato, but you can minimise this difference by holding the chain saw very still.

What’s the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse.

I don’t know either.

How do you know a euphonium player is at your door?

She’s wearing a Pizza Hut hat.

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, ’well how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?’

‘Nah’ the first girl replied. ‘That dry, tight, tiny little pucker, it was no fun at all.’

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked ‘well how was his kissing?’

‘Ugh,’ the first girl exclaimed. ‘ Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh it was just gross!’

The next night she went out (she was nae choosy) with a French horn player and when she came back her (nosey) roommate (who doesn’t seem to go out) asked, ‘Well how was his kissing?’

‘Well,’ the first girl replied, ‘his kissing was so-so but i just loved the way he held me!’

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: What’s the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: Why was the musician arrested?
A: He was in treble

Two brass players walked out of a bar…

A young child says to his mother, “Mom, when I grow up I’d like to be a musician.” She replies, “Well honey, you know you can’t do both.”

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A: A tattoo.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.

What’s the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

How does a soprano change a light bulb?
They just hold it in the socket and the whole world revolves around them.

What’s the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

The jokes below are taken from http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/#trumpet

Trumpet Jokes

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

What’s the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?

I don’t know either.

What’s the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?

Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?

“Hi. I’m better than you.”

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?

The doorbell shrieks!

Why can’t a gorilla play trumpet?

He’s too sensitive.

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn’t supposed to play at all.

After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, “I looked in the score and it said `tacit’–so I took it!”

Trombone Jokes

What’s the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?

  1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
  2. It’s easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?

  1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
  2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?

The doorbell drags.

What is a gentleman?

Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn’t.

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?

A optimist.

What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?

The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but he’ll do it too loudly.

How do you know when there’s a trombonist at your door?

His hat says “Domino’s Pizza”

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist’s car?

Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?

“Year-At-A-Glance.”

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?

He doesn’t know how to use the slide, and he can’t swing.

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?

On or off.

  1. 1.          Tuba Jokes

What’s the range of a tuba?

Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?

Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink ’till the room spins.

How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a tuba glue.

These two tuba players walk past a bar…

Well, it could happen!

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